The line, "Those agents will have a tough time finding out who made that happen" was a bit confusing. Does this mean that it was Joe?
Overall, though, the story was pretty clear. I understood what was going on.
I may or may not find you sexy, depending on what day it is.
Isaak Kraft van Ermel
@RNNR
Age 34, Male
Greeting strangers.
NHL @ Leeuwarden, NL
Harlingen, Netherlands
Joined on 11/16/08
- Level:
- 8
- Exp Points:
- 610 / 710
- Exp Rank:
- > 100,000
- Vote Power:
- 5.02 votes
- Art Scouts
- 1
- Rank:
- Civilian
- Global Rank:
- > 100,000
- Blams:
- 0
- Saves:
- 1
- B/P Bonus:
- 0%
- Whistle:
- Normal
- Medals:
- 150
Comments
Ah, it was the bartender who spoke.
Think it's a formatting problem which makes it unclear, I'll be sure to change it around for the next installment.
Finished reading the whole story, I'm afraid that my head got stuck.
The wrting technique of Stream of Consciousness? Obviously, you attach great importance to the presentaion of Joe's inner world.
Were certain parts unclear?
It's not a stream of consciousness I put on paper. I have a 'film' in my head which captures the scene, mood and dialogue which I then describe.
I then make several editing passes and gather feedback from others to improve the story to a level I like.
And yes, Joe is pretty much the centerpiece of the entire story. Glad I got that across.
Thanks for the comment.
Yeah, Adding more backdrop narration, the whole plot would be far more clear, compact and forceful.
This would be more clear to others if you had it formated. I didn't have a problem reading it myself though. Your strengths are definitely character development and dialogue. Your weak areas are imagery. This is... odd. Usually it would be the other way around.
Anyway, you have a great way of telling instead of showing, have you ever written plays?
Heh, no actually. Well, one screenplay...
It was my intention to really focus on characters and leave enough for the audience to build their own mental image.
Maybe I've tipped the balance a bit too much.
Anyway, it's very helpful feedback, so thanks a lot.
The story starts out very unenticing. Remember, that you don't want to withhold information from your reader. I felt like you were creating false interest by purposefully not divulging the necessary information.
"...paced to the cockpit."
Paced wouldn't be the right word for it, it doesn't paint a good picture.
Also, the characterization seems very unrelatable. There's no build-up, and they remain flat. There's definitely a lot of potential with the story, but lines such as these really weaken the whole: "Again she fired off a question, by now Joe had likened her to a dog: a tiny, fat Chihuahua, constantly scratching the door and squealing every time something moved past it."
Interactions like the aforementioned seem very forced. You need to introduce more conflict rather than cliche crash landings. While it does add conflict, it doesn't do so in a convincing manner. You must also keep in mind that corporate secrets are going to be well kept. "Did you open it?" "No." "Okay."-kind of situations aren't realistic considering the sensativity of the issue.
A lot of the actual events themselves also aren't clearly delivered, and there's a lot of retrograde references that punctuate and weaken the milieu. If you want to build a world, you have to leave this one behind, at the very least in regard to popular culture and/or entertainment.
Your comment reinforces my sense that I'm still looking for that balance of what to tell/don't tell the reader.
Call it writer-reader dissonance.
Feedback like this is exactly what I'm looking for, this really sharpens my pen.
Heh, not only with writing, but also with planning as I'm already late with part two and I have a 'when it's done, it's done' rule.
This is kinda bad because it's detrimental to quality at the moment, but at the same time good because it keeps the pace going, quality on the rise and provides new lessons to be learned every ~two weeks.
I'll do some last minute edits on 'Drop' and post it and resume work on the plot, characters and so on.
Thanks a lot.
Great story! Though my comment may be a bit biased as I'm particularly partial to science fiction, I think you've done a good job getting inside the protagonist's head and the technical aspects of space travel and high tech whatnots are also well done. My only complaint is your frequent use of adverbs. Your sentences should be strong enough to make the reader feel what is happening without being told how it is happening. If I say, "he ran quickly across the road" you know what is happening, but the reader isn't as engaged as if I said, "he ran across the road, feet pounding the pavement". I hope I've been helpful and I look forward to future installments!
Dubbi
I read the whole thing. It's pretty interesting, albeit a bit confusing, and I enjoyed it. So I assume Joe is some sort of a galactic villian, and he's illegely trading cryonics. The ending was quite the cliffhanger; I'll be sure to read further chapters.
RNNR
Confusing? Ooh, where? Could you tell, 'cuz I can incorporate that feedback in future stories.